I Told You Now Was Not the Time to Talk!

Now is not the time
There are people downstairs
I need to clean the kitchen and wrap my hair
Before you start driving me crazy tonight
I hate how you say
It's easy for me to run away
Even though I have stayed through all types of pain
My heart does not break anymore
The pieces are too small
A pile of dust where once
There was love and lust but never trust
Now you ask me to try again
Like I didn't try to the same end
Again and again
I cannot win
I want to break the chain I am in
Pick my tail up from between my legs
And find a new life
No longer pretend I think this will ever change
I didn't want it to be this way
I was planning for my wedding day
But his words continue to cut me deep
And the aftermath is always the same
I tell him I am leaving
He tells me he'll change
I say this is your last chance
He undoes my pants
We embrace and erase all the pain - in his mind
But mine still remembers the hurt
And he calls me crazy for opening up again
To let the enemy in

New Diagnosis and Other Developments

 My friends in college gave me this post card that says, "I used to be indecisive, but now I not sure."  I still have it because it describes me perfectly. I recently was diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder. This means that there is much instability with my personal relationships, emotions and identity.  Basically, I don't know who I am, I'm mad about it, and I am not sure I want you to be there when I fall apart, because you probably don't care anyway.  The part of the condition that I identify with the most is the identity disturbance.

"There are sudden and dramatic shifts in self-image, characterized by shifting goals, values and vocational aspirations. There may be sudden changes in opinions and plans about career, sexual identity, values and types of friends."

If you want some information about the condition, check out this page here by PsychCentral.  

We also decided that I am not bipolar, which is a huge relief to me.  What I am dealing with is actually called dysthymia, which is described in an awesome article by Harvard Medical.  It is like depression but the symptoms are not as pronounced.  The condition does go on for much longer, at least 2 years.

"Dysthymia is a serious disorder. It is not “minor” depression, and it is not a condition intermediate between severe clinical depression and depression in the casual colloquial sense. In some cases it is more disabling than major depression. Still, dysthymia is so similar to major depression that the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual also suggests, as a possibility for further investigation, an alternative definition with symptoms including anhedonia [inability to feel pleasure], social withdrawal, guilt, and irritability but not appetite or sleep disturbance. The purpose is to distinguish dysthymia more clearly from major depression by emphasizing mood and personal relations over physical symptoms"

Once again, anyone who knew me in college can say this about me, I was just down all the time and couldn't really figure out why.  I am talking about the way I was in college a lot because I am missing my college friends.  Deep down inside, I am wondering if there is anyway I can squeeze my way back into their lives.  This did start before college though, the depressed mood, I had been carrying that throughout high school and well past my college years.

I've been making a lot of progress in other areas as well.  I finished paying my lawyer and am proceeding forward with my bankruptcy filing.  That takes a large weight off my shoulders and I see my future brightening.  With those two things, the new diagnosis and the progress with the lawyer, I am finally doing something positive with my future and feel a world of difference.  I might even be happy with this Thursday night shift at the All U Can Drink Tavern!

Just like everything else

Here I am, in the same position I was in high school and college.  It seems like after a while knowing me, people stop liking me.  I don't know how to fix whatever it is that makes people not like me, so I guess it is going to keep happening forever.  What is the point of living when I can't sustain a relationship with another human being?  Why should I go on?  My son can make it with his father, shit half the time, he don't even want to be with me.  He cries and asks why his dad didn't pick him up or why do he gotta come with me.  I am so sick of trying to make friends.  No one likes the real me.  In high school I was rejected after one semester.  In college it took a little longer, about 2 years.  Now I am 30 years old, at work and people organized a trip that I was not invited on because they didn't want me to go.  When am I going to be able to get along with people?  I guess I am going to end up old and lonely like my mother, but it is probably what i deserve.

jealousy and narcissism

I get so jealous when I see people interacting without me.  I know there are going to be times when the people I love talk to, hang out and spend time with others, I just wish I didn’t know about it.  I wish to exist in this selfish bubble where the connections I have made are more important to you than the connections you have made with other people.  Why am I so jealous?  Because I don’t feel like the connections I have made are deep and meaningful.  I know my connections are superficial, I don’t allow them to become real.  I keep people away from me by not letting them know how I really feel.  I have a terribly judgmental personality, I am always telling someone what I think about what they did, or give my uninvited opinion on something someone has said to me.  I am constantly interrupting you when you speak, because I think I already know what you are going to say.  I know it frustrates you, I just don’t want to listen to all the extra words you are using to make your point.  This sucks, and it is why I maintain my distance.  If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t like it, so I push you away before you can reject me.  It’s all I know

I want to feel special

All I keep thinking to myself is that I want to feel special.  I want to feel special!!!  I scream it in my head over and over again.  I guess I don’t feel very special at this time.  It is a hard task, keeping me happy or should I say not unhappy.  I make good situations into terrible tragedies.  I fuck up whenever I can, whenever I want to.  I don’t give a fuck sometimes.  But, beyond being able to curse, what am I good at?  Am I really writing this stuff for anyone?  Does anyone care about how I post whenever I am bursting forth with emotion?  It feels good to me.  I’m gonna keep doing it, it is better than having a diary that I carry around, and someone can find it and read it and know all about me.  I mean, that’s what I want, for people to want to read about me, but I don’t want you to be able to use the information against me in any meaningful way.  I can take some stranger’s assessment of the situation, they are truly clueless and only know what I want them to know.  But people in real life, that is another story.  They are closer to the truth and I find myself in the wrong quite often.  But my diary is where I should win.  I am always right and true and honorable yada yada yada.  You know, all the good stuff.