New Diagnosis and Other Developments

 My friends in college gave me this post card that says, "I used to be indecisive, but now I not sure."  I still have it because it describes me perfectly. I recently was diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder. This means that there is much instability with my personal relationships, emotions and identity.  Basically, I don't know who I am, I'm mad about it, and I am not sure I want you to be there when I fall apart, because you probably don't care anyway.  The part of the condition that I identify with the most is the identity disturbance.

"There are sudden and dramatic shifts in self-image, characterized by shifting goals, values and vocational aspirations. There may be sudden changes in opinions and plans about career, sexual identity, values and types of friends."

If you want some information about the condition, check out this page here by PsychCentral.  

We also decided that I am not bipolar, which is a huge relief to me.  What I am dealing with is actually called dysthymia, which is described in an awesome article by Harvard Medical.  It is like depression but the symptoms are not as pronounced.  The condition does go on for much longer, at least 2 years.

"Dysthymia is a serious disorder. It is not “minor” depression, and it is not a condition intermediate between severe clinical depression and depression in the casual colloquial sense. In some cases it is more disabling than major depression. Still, dysthymia is so similar to major depression that the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual also suggests, as a possibility for further investigation, an alternative definition with symptoms including anhedonia [inability to feel pleasure], social withdrawal, guilt, and irritability but not appetite or sleep disturbance. The purpose is to distinguish dysthymia more clearly from major depression by emphasizing mood and personal relations over physical symptoms"

Once again, anyone who knew me in college can say this about me, I was just down all the time and couldn't really figure out why.  I am talking about the way I was in college a lot because I am missing my college friends.  Deep down inside, I am wondering if there is anyway I can squeeze my way back into their lives.  This did start before college though, the depressed mood, I had been carrying that throughout high school and well past my college years.

I've been making a lot of progress in other areas as well.  I finished paying my lawyer and am proceeding forward with my bankruptcy filing.  That takes a large weight off my shoulders and I see my future brightening.  With those two things, the new diagnosis and the progress with the lawyer, I am finally doing something positive with my future and feel a world of difference.  I might even be happy with this Thursday night shift at the All U Can Drink Tavern!