jealousy and narcissism

I get so jealous when I see people interacting without me.  I know there are going to be times when the people I love talk to, hang out and spend time with others, I just wish I didn’t know about it.  I wish to exist in this selfish bubble where the connections I have made are more important to you than the connections you have made with other people.  Why am I so jealous?  Because I don’t feel like the connections I have made are deep and meaningful.  I know my connections are superficial, I don’t allow them to become real.  I keep people away from me by not letting them know how I really feel.  I have a terribly judgmental personality, I am always telling someone what I think about what they did, or give my uninvited opinion on something someone has said to me.  I am constantly interrupting you when you speak, because I think I already know what you are going to say.  I know it frustrates you, I just don’t want to listen to all the extra words you are using to make your point.  This sucks, and it is why I maintain my distance.  If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t like it, so I push you away before you can reject me.  It’s all I know

I want to feel special

All I keep thinking to myself is that I want to feel special.  I want to feel special!!!  I scream it in my head over and over again.  I guess I don’t feel very special at this time.  It is a hard task, keeping me happy or should I say not unhappy.  I make good situations into terrible tragedies.  I fuck up whenever I can, whenever I want to.  I don’t give a fuck sometimes.  But, beyond being able to curse, what am I good at?  Am I really writing this stuff for anyone?  Does anyone care about how I post whenever I am bursting forth with emotion?  It feels good to me.  I’m gonna keep doing it, it is better than having a diary that I carry around, and someone can find it and read it and know all about me.  I mean, that’s what I want, for people to want to read about me, but I don’t want you to be able to use the information against me in any meaningful way.  I can take some stranger’s assessment of the situation, they are truly clueless and only know what I want them to know.  But people in real life, that is another story.  They are closer to the truth and I find myself in the wrong quite often.  But my diary is where I should win.  I am always right and true and honorable yada yada yada.  You know, all the good stuff.