Morphing into Motherhood

I was a single mother when I started this journey. When I say that, I mean, the man who I had the pleasure of carrying his child, was not down for the cause when we first discovered there was a baby on board. He has since, to my deep pleasure, changed his tune and prioritizes being a loving father to our son on a daily basis. I am excited to see what the future holds for us.

What got me writing this afternoon is that we are not all that dissimilar, us mothers. I don't think having a man in the picture is such a big deal. What you need is help from someone. Someone to watch your children from time to time so you can be alone or just away from babies. And you need money, the kind of money that two people can make a lot easier than one person. But, like I said, you do not have to have a man to get it done. But, that probably sounds like a load of crap coming from me, like Beyonce getting bold after she gets her ring and advising the rest of us to ask him where my ring at??? Is that what you did B, really? Me thinks not!

That being said, you are an amazing creature all on your own and you need to be applauded for your efforts. Every morning, you wake up a mother and you go to bed a mother, no matter where you are. You may want to turn it off when you go to work but it is a part of what you do, whenever you do it.

I really think we get into trouble when we envy the others around us. You really don't know what someone has to go through to maintain the lifestyle they have chosen for themselves. The woman with a high paying position doing it all by herself may want a man in her life, but the stay at home mom may want financial freedom. Then there is the woman who is happy as hell to be herself and don't care about what you got going on, I'm trying to be that girl.

Father Less

I told tell myself to get over it.
My father was not there my whole life, why trip?
I could grow old and bitter waiting on that ship.
But I just can't forget.

I need a man to trust.
He can keep it real with me if he is my Daddy, right?
But, woe is me.

Whoa, that's me.

I see myself in need and I want to end the need for a Daddy, but I still have that need.
A man in my life, not out to hurt me.
Someone I can believe.
Young me believes I am not worthy, I mean, he left me already, before I had a chance to breathe!
Why would another man on Earth want me???
I let my absent father effect me, in "dramatical" ways you would not believe.
I pray this is not what he would want for me.

It appears that I fear abandonment.
For this reason, rejection, I can't stand it.
I swear this ain't how I planned it.
Blame it on the reign of circumstances.
Though I know why I hurt so much, I know not how to ease this pain.
Pain of predicted rejection, lack of acceptance for myself, projected on to you
and you
and you
This is not about you though, this is about me you see
You could say or do anything, and I would still think...
you
don't
like
me.

Resume Revisions Revisited

So, I am trying to think of what my time spent in the salon/spa industry as well as food and beverage, has taught me about myself. I know that I am not good at staying in the same spot all night. Even as a bartender making good money every night, I was not feeling it.
I am of course thinking of these things because I am updating my resume in hopes of attracting a new employer for part-time work. I like being a receptionist, but I would rather work as a shampoo assistant. That way I will not have to deal with the dread of sitting behind the desk. I also want to work towards getting my cosmetology license.
That being said, I am much more interested in working in a salon rather than a spa/salon. I am a very animated individual and my attitude is not conducive to relaxation. Salons are upbeat and focus on giving active energy to clients. My energy is active, rather than calming, so I prefer an active workload.
I think the problem I am experiencing here is that I have not found something challenging enough to hold my attention at this time in my life. It is kind of like how I feel about my inability to translate my knowledge and learning ability into earning my BA. I chose to take the easy route, instead of applying for the honors program, I too regular classes. I was missing that little extra that keeps me focused and centered. Without that little something extra to focus the active energy, it was boring and redundant.
Lucky for me I am an adult now. I have the power to focus my active energy into positive channels and make a way for myself beyond my wildest dreams. I keep telling myself that I am failing at this mediocre stuff because I was meant for something grand and mind boggling. But you all know, the proof is in the pudding.