Just like everything else

Here I am, in the same position I was in high school and college.  It seems like after a while knowing me, people stop liking me.  I don't know how to fix whatever it is that makes people not like me, so I guess it is going to keep happening forever.  What is the point of living when I can't sustain a relationship with another human being?  Why should I go on?  My son can make it with his father, shit half the time, he don't even want to be with me.  He cries and asks why his dad didn't pick him up or why do he gotta come with me.  I am so sick of trying to make friends.  No one likes the real me.  In high school I was rejected after one semester.  In college it took a little longer, about 2 years.  Now I am 30 years old, at work and people organized a trip that I was not invited on because they didn't want me to go.  When am I going to be able to get along with people?  I guess I am going to end up old and lonely like my mother, but it is probably what i deserve.

jealousy and narcissism

I get so jealous when I see people interacting without me.  I know there are going to be times when the people I love talk to, hang out and spend time with others, I just wish I didn’t know about it.  I wish to exist in this selfish bubble where the connections I have made are more important to you than the connections you have made with other people.  Why am I so jealous?  Because I don’t feel like the connections I have made are deep and meaningful.  I know my connections are superficial, I don’t allow them to become real.  I keep people away from me by not letting them know how I really feel.  I have a terribly judgmental personality, I am always telling someone what I think about what they did, or give my uninvited opinion on something someone has said to me.  I am constantly interrupting you when you speak, because I think I already know what you are going to say.  I know it frustrates you, I just don’t want to listen to all the extra words you are using to make your point.  This sucks, and it is why I maintain my distance.  If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t like it, so I push you away before you can reject me.  It’s all I know

I want to feel special

All I keep thinking to myself is that I want to feel special.  I want to feel special!!!  I scream it in my head over and over again.  I guess I don’t feel very special at this time.  It is a hard task, keeping me happy or should I say not unhappy.  I make good situations into terrible tragedies.  I fuck up whenever I can, whenever I want to.  I don’t give a fuck sometimes.  But, beyond being able to curse, what am I good at?  Am I really writing this stuff for anyone?  Does anyone care about how I post whenever I am bursting forth with emotion?  It feels good to me.  I’m gonna keep doing it, it is better than having a diary that I carry around, and someone can find it and read it and know all about me.  I mean, that’s what I want, for people to want to read about me, but I don’t want you to be able to use the information against me in any meaningful way.  I can take some stranger’s assessment of the situation, they are truly clueless and only know what I want them to know.  But people in real life, that is another story.  They are closer to the truth and I find myself in the wrong quite often.  But my diary is where I should win.  I am always right and true and honorable yada yada yada.  You know, all the good stuff. 

YEAAAAHHHH!!!

Whattup Blogspot???

I guess I am still a little crunk from last night.  Went out to the local bar last night and saw my best friend from high school, I still love the shit out of her.  I go through rough spots with all my friends and I miss them from time to time.  I wish I could bury the hatchet with one in particular, but we are more frenemies than anything else so I will let that one go.  Still, every now-and-then, I get the urge to call her up and ask if we can just squash this beef like Nas and Jay-Z.  But what I forget, is this is not that kind of beef.  It is more like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag.  And I still do not know the details of the beef in either of those situations, but I do know, much like my own beef, these females are not having that shit!  Granted I am the Paris/Heidi in this fight, complete with me getting bombed out with her wailing, “You did this to us! You did this!”  Yeah, high drama, but I wasn’t feeling that jazz, so I kept it moving.  Like I said, I think about her every now-and-then but I like my quiet life without her drama, I have to love her from over here.

I smoke to slow myself down

To make the sounds come around

To make the noise feel like down, down, down

I try to hold back the tears that come rushing forth

What are they about?  Why is my thought to cry?

Because I am not pleased with my behavior

The way I behave as if I am unable to control myself

Well look at the plethora of non-accomplishments I have achieved over the years

You should see my college transcripts littered with Ws

I used this method liberally to support my indecisive tendencies

God, I ask for the power to make a decision swiftly and without regret

No more second guessing that has me running around in circles

Two steps forward, three back, to the left, to the right, doubletime…

My mind is going to unwind if I don’t find a way to stop this

That’s that shit right there, that’s that hit right there

No one but me and you can see this thing through. 

Me and Mary Jane, we about to have our last date

I’m feeling like, I need to let her down easy

She might freak out when I tell her I am leaving her

That it has come time to let go of the vision I had for our future together

I realize now that I don’t want to be with her forever

I think I can do better

I KNOW I can do better

I’m not going to let her hold me back anymore

She’s gonna fuss and fight, but she knows I am right.

I will battle back from this, without you

I will make my way down the path

Because it is clear to me

I was meant to be

Me again. I am happy to report that I made some sales this week. One of my sales I actually earned by listening to my friend, identifying what her needs and concerns were and delivering a solution. I am proud of myself and look forward to doing more business this way.

Well, it is time to get up and go outside with my family. I'll check in soon!

I don't know where to post this post. See I have a short attention span and I start a lot of projects without finishing any of them. It is getting very ridiculous.

Currently I am working as a server in a popular Arlington restaurant. I also sell makeup, well, I buy a lot of makeup and sometimes I get the girls around me to get a few things. I am trying to psych myself up to go door to door delivering brochures to my neighbors. But, then I think of all the signs that say "NO SOLICITING", and I rethink my decision. Then I say, "hey! Why don't I mail everyone in the neighborhood?" So, I sent out three brochures earlier this week and it cost me more to mail one than it does to buy five of the books themselves! Well, that idea was not going to work.

My new plan is to take the brochures to the local shopping mall and give the ladies the opportunity to browse and pass the time because there isn't much going on in that mall anymore. I need to get to these kids while they are spending their back to school money! I have the day off from the restaurant tomorrow, and my son has karate class so I am going to gather my brochures and talk to the other women who have children in the class and just get her to take my brochure.

I made the mistake of giving out my brochure, along with some lame excuse that she had to look at it because her kid threw something at me. It's not like I don't love the stuff I sell, I just gotta get out there and promote it.

Night night!